“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
me adding lol on a serious message
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down