I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500