A game married people play.
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Solving a traffic jam
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!