Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.