The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.