Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure