WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.