BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.