If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.