-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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WWE is French for “yes”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you