She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My Sentiments Exactly
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.