Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH