My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Living the best life.. 😊
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n