My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u