I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
best review i’ve ever seen
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.