I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.