I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
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Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.