How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Um … Hot Wings please
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh