Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me