Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
You Might Also Like
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Best mom ever 😂
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board