If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’