Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I feel this so hard
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know