If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.