The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.