PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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This forever.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago