I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.