murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
IT’S-A ME,
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.