Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.