Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.