One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You Might Also Like
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
good morning