[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Nose
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister