welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.