doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
You Might Also Like
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*