I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I have a black belt in leather
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel