Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.