[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that