[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Please do it!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.