I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Great acting.. 😂
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.