Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.