GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.