pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
The biggest mystery of our time
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.