Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My love language is hissing.
this could fix me
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.