Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
The game has officially changed 😎
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Merica.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”