“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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Cat.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Can. I. Help. You.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?