If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour