My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
back to work
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty