The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
2023 was just a warmup
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish