Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.