My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.