you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.